Wow.

 

I don’t even know what to write.. That’s funny because I’ve had so many thoughts and ideas over the past few hours/days/weeks. I suppose I ought to start with my last post.. the nice thing with something like Blogger is that I could go back and delete all that, and make this a totally happy blog. I could, but I won’t. (Before I continue, let me just add that I’ve got a thought in my mind, and a feeling in my heart. Now I have to be completely honest. The feeling in my heart is not, does not, and will not stop. And I think about this person a “gazillion” times a day). This is my blog, with my thoughts, and my feelings, and that is what I’m doing.

 

I don’t know if I want this blog to evoke a reaction or a response. I’m doing it for me. But I do want it to inspire something or someone to do something, or ANYTHING.. Like those bracelets that people used to wear when I was in school, that said “W.W.J.D” – which stands for “What Would Jesus Do?” I’ve had a picture in my mind for a long time, as a personal trainer, of someone standing in Woolworths, in front of a fridge. For some reason, it’s a boy, about 12 or 13 years old I suppose. He’s got a few freckles on his face, but not too many. He’s wearing a yellow Tee-Shirt with thin, red, horizontal stripes. It looks like he’s got blond-ish, slightly ginger-ish hair, cut quite short. I don’t have a name for this boy, I’ve probably conjured up this image from a movie or random scene that I’ve seen somewhere before. There’s a little bit of frost in the air around the fridge, like when you open a really cold freezer. It’s not pouring out, like a dramatic scene from a TV advert or really bad soap-opera. It’s just a thought in my head. Anyway, I’m rambling, but that’s what I do. He’s trying to chose between an apple and a chocolate. And he’s got that thought in his mind, “what would Byron want me to do”?

 

Now I’ve typed that and I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot. But that is irrelevant. I haven’t. I’ve still got that same overwhelming feeling in my heart. You on my mind. I don’t know if I’m writing to you, or if I’m writing for myself. But then I don’t know if I’m writing this whole blog for my own benefit, or if I’m trying to inspire. I made my dad a packed lunch today. He was probably really surprised. I don’t know if I did it for him, or if I did it for myself. I only did it because I'm trying to be positive, because that positivity will lead to the happiness that I'm looking for. How desperate is that? That i can do something like that because i want it to bring the only one thing that will make me happy. But I hope it helps him to be healthy, and it made me feel good. That’s what I do. I try to encourage people with their diets and exercise, to be healthy. That makes me feel good. (A really cool song has just come on the radio. I like this type of music). I’ve got a random thought about Whinnie the Pooh in my head right now. I don’t know why it popped in there, but I’ve got a really unique mind, that’s for sure! I’ve just used the phrase “super-dooper”. And only one person will know what I’m talking about. Yes, that’s right. That’s where I am at this particular moment in time. I hope you are reading this, and you remember.

 

I don’t mention particular names or anything when I write, but I was speaking to a friend earlier this week, and last week. I haven’t seen her for years. I used to baby-sit her, and she’s like my little sister. She had a really big scare, and came to me for advice. She’s only 17. we haven’t seen each other for 5 years, roughly. But she came to me for advice. She didn’t even want to speak to her parents. I was the one that needed to be big brother and give her advice. She’s ok, so nothing to worry about. Thank goodness! Anyway, I helped her with that one, because that’s what I do. I like to help people. A very special little boy once asked me, “Why are you always so kind to people?” – Honestly, I have no idea!! But I try! That’s what I do! I try! And sometimes I fail. Sometimes its my fault, and sometimes its someone else’s. But I’m human!

 

My train of thought was derailed so that last paragraph doesn’t do justice to itself. Chronologically, this is my longest entry to date. And you have no idea what that means, and I might have totally lost my point. That’s irrelevant. I’m not doing this for you. It’s for me. But I’m doing it in the hope that you will read it, and understand it. So I am doing it for you. But I’m doing it for you, for me. And now I’m just playing with words. I’m good at that. And sometimes I’m not. Another really beautiful song is playing now. I don’t know how it makes me feel. But it brings something to mind. But then again, quite literally everything brings you to mind. Hmm… Is that profound? Is it sweet? Who am I asking? I’m listening to someone else having a conversation now. But I’m totally lost in what I’m doing right now. I don’t think I have any idea what this incredible mind of mine is capable of. Nobody does. But I like it that way. Ooooh, creating a sense of mystery.. Actually, not quite. That’s just how I am.

 

Last night I listened to a lady, not much older than myself, who really hasn’t had an easy life. It was on TV. I don’t get out much. Some people think that’s a bad thing.. ok, now I’m really rambling, and I’m afraid that I’ll lose your interest. Now, for the real mind-bender…. When I keep saying “you”, who am I talking to? Because I’m writing for myself. But I’m writing for everyone, which is absolutely anyone. But I’m actually writing to one particular other person. But I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me. And the only reason I’m doing it for me, is because I’m doing it for you!

 

And I haven’t even spoken about my last post, which is the main point of this post.. Oops. It will stay there, because it’s real. I’ve been in that place, and I go back there often. It shows the importance of everything to me. It makes you see that this is for real. How much everything means to me. Literally. Figuratively. Metaphorically. Emotionally. Spiritually. For real. Forever.

 

Three days later. à I just find my mind in such a jumble. I strive, and put my heart and soul with everything I have in the hope of my dream. That’s all I’ve got. I don’t want anything else in the world. There is nothing I can do and I can’t believe or understand or accept anything. Dear God, please do something for me. Love, Byron.

I've got so much more that i want to write, and so many more picture to insert. But i will just use it for new posts. I hope it's clear that this blog isn't about me anymore. I'm writing to you. I'm still trying to reach out to you. Because I have done everything, and brought this all to God. Now i don't feel anything for myself anymore, and the way things are is only bringing me pain. I only want to be happy, and that can only happen one way. My entire life and my happiness is up to you, and you have got total control over my life. Maybe you can feel privileged about that? I hope so. What is happening to me now, and that I gave up everything, and I'm absolutely terrified with the things that could happen, and it's all because I'm just trying to do the only one thing that makes me want to live, and be happy. Nobody can blame me for feeling like I'm totally rejected, because I've helped so many people, and given absolutely everything of myself, and brought it to God because that is my dream, and now I'm completely rejected and I have no help. I'm talking in circles, but I have got absolutely no hope, and I feel like the water is rising and I'm going to drown, and nobody cares enough to save me. And I'm sad because only one thing can make me happy.