I always wondered what people would read about me after I'm gone.. Here's my last story, I hope it does not disappoint..
This is the cry for help that will never be heard. Not certain whether it came too late, or if it was simply overlooked.. Until now, all the entries of this blog have been inspirational. And I hope that this entry can inspire something too, despite my sombre tone.
In the life I lived, I learnt many lessons. Always eager to know more, and always willing to learn. In so doing, my ambition was also perhaps to teach, and to share. By my words, my actions, my thoughts and feelings, I desired nothing more than to make a difference, for good. Nobody understood me, but that's ok. Few people ever believed me, and even less ever believed IN me, again, that's ok. I never wished to be understood, or believed in.. I did, however, once upon a time, dream of being accepted.. That I would be "worth it". For at some moment in my life, for any person to give me the greatest gift that is to say, "you are worth it". I realise that it was a selfish dream.. But that is all it was. A dream. I never expected anything. That would have made my life conditional. Indeed I can say that my actions, my love, and my life were all unconditional, and true. It's easy to make promises. That's how people get what they want, by making promises, regardless of whether or not they care about keeping them. I was different.. I'm sure that anyone reading this will be rolling their eyes, as that is a real understatement. I really was different. Anyone taking the time to read this, I hope, will remember me for my unconditional life. For giving, and never expecting to receive. Both in my thoughts, words, and actions.
What proof is there in this life, of Heaven and hell? Perhaps I can share my insight. There is, most certainly a Heaven. I came across people in my life that can surely have only come from such a place as Heaven. So special, that they can only be destined to return to Heaven. And then, of course, for hell. I can tell you that such a place exists. I have been there. I am there. Not a place that one can voluntarily chose, but a place to which one must be sent. Indeed I can say now that I was sent there. And for this, all I can do is say thank you. That is my nature. That is what I do.
It hurts that I had so many aspirations, hopes, and dreams, that I prayed I would live to. I was naïve to ever think it was possible. I am grateful that I was able to share some of them, and perhaps paint a picture of the dreams I once had. Still not sure why I have left these words, perhaps to be the only reminder of the life I wish I had. A reminder for anyone who cares enough to continue reading.
You are forgiven for reading this and drawing the conclusion that I have given up on life, and given up on my dreams. On the contrary, my life and dreams gave up on me. In my life I gave up many things, but that was only for the benefit of others, and I am happy for that. Sacrifices that were all worth it, and a small price to pay to make other people happy. So much was taken away from me, and I will make a bold and confident statement, knowing I am correct in saying that NOBODY CARED. I should have realised that a long time ago. My whole life I have known nothing but rejection. The greatest desire to be accepted, and to feel like I belong. I was such an idiot. So much was taken away from me, and still, I was always willing to give.
I'm glad that nobody ever thought I was capable, and that I was underestimated. I never got my chance, and that's ok, because nobody cares. The second time I've used those two words, as I now see how true they are. It's too late for me to wish I had lived differently. It's too late for me to wish that anyone would have just given me a chance. It's too late for me to think that I ever had a chance. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I was such a disappointment. I'm sorry that I was rejected again and again.
I once said that it was my destiny, "To give everything I could, to help, and then to fall by the wayside." And yet I was told that was not the case, and that I must stop letting it happen to myself. Please don't think that I let it happen. I tried. But it wasn't good enough. I'm sorry. I hope that anyone still reading does not assume that there is any anger in this. There isn't. Only pain. Just a lot of hurting, which I have come to know was all I had in my life.
It's only in the fairytale stories that good beats evil, and the underdog gets a chance. In this world it is not the case. The good guy gets used and abandoned. Satisfaction is reserved for those who know how to take. It's not about giving, it's about taking, and telling the best lies to make it look good. It's too late for frustration or despair. That time has passed. And now there is nothing more for me to do, but slip through the cracks. Never allowed to have a chance. Never allowed to have my say. Right down to the simplest little things, nobody ever listened. A broken bone that was not healed properly. A hole that was not repaired properly. And nobody listened. I've carried scars for most of my life. Sores that would never heal. I was told so many things, but still, nobody thought to listen to the one behind the scars. The one underneath the sores. The one on the outside of rejection. And why was that? Simple. Because, NOBODY CARED. I hope that by now it is starting to sink in.
I'm sorry for wasting the time of anyone that is still reading this. The conclusion is that these words are as pointless as my life was. To the few that called me friend, and actually meant it, thank you. I'm sorry I didn't do more for you. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. Human life is so fragile, no matter how strong it may appear on the outside. I know now that it is impossible to fulfil life alone. There is a lot that can be done alone, but there comes a time when you have to reach out your hand, and have hope and faith that someone will take your hand. I'm sorry that nobody took my hand. At least I know that I was humble enough to reach out.. Finally, as the title suggests, for those who wished I was better off dead and gone. For those who exiled me, and shut me out. I hope you are happy now. And if not, well, "Be careful what you wish for".
I've always had a hard time saying goodbye, and that is why didn't. Instead, now that the time for goodbye has passed, all can say is Thank you, for listening, for reading, for loving me or hating me..
