Wow.

 

I don’t even know what to write.. That’s funny because I’ve had so many thoughts and ideas over the past few hours/days/weeks. I suppose I ought to start with my last post.. the nice thing with something like Blogger is that I could go back and delete all that, and make this a totally happy blog. I could, but I won’t. (Before I continue, let me just add that I’ve got a thought in my mind, and a feeling in my heart. Now I have to be completely honest. The feeling in my heart is not, does not, and will not stop. And I think about this person a “gazillion” times a day). This is my blog, with my thoughts, and my feelings, and that is what I’m doing.

 

I don’t know if I want this blog to evoke a reaction or a response. I’m doing it for me. But I do want it to inspire something or someone to do something, or ANYTHING.. Like those bracelets that people used to wear when I was in school, that said “W.W.J.D” – which stands for “What Would Jesus Do?” I’ve had a picture in my mind for a long time, as a personal trainer, of someone standing in Woolworths, in front of a fridge. For some reason, it’s a boy, about 12 or 13 years old I suppose. He’s got a few freckles on his face, but not too many. He’s wearing a yellow Tee-Shirt with thin, red, horizontal stripes. It looks like he’s got blond-ish, slightly ginger-ish hair, cut quite short. I don’t have a name for this boy, I’ve probably conjured up this image from a movie or random scene that I’ve seen somewhere before. There’s a little bit of frost in the air around the fridge, like when you open a really cold freezer. It’s not pouring out, like a dramatic scene from a TV advert or really bad soap-opera. It’s just a thought in my head. Anyway, I’m rambling, but that’s what I do. He’s trying to chose between an apple and a chocolate. And he’s got that thought in his mind, “what would Byron want me to do”?

 

Now I’ve typed that and I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot. But that is irrelevant. I haven’t. I’ve still got that same overwhelming feeling in my heart. You on my mind. I don’t know if I’m writing to you, or if I’m writing for myself. But then I don’t know if I’m writing this whole blog for my own benefit, or if I’m trying to inspire. I made my dad a packed lunch today. He was probably really surprised. I don’t know if I did it for him, or if I did it for myself. I only did it because I'm trying to be positive, because that positivity will lead to the happiness that I'm looking for. How desperate is that? That i can do something like that because i want it to bring the only one thing that will make me happy. But I hope it helps him to be healthy, and it made me feel good. That’s what I do. I try to encourage people with their diets and exercise, to be healthy. That makes me feel good. (A really cool song has just come on the radio. I like this type of music). I’ve got a random thought about Whinnie the Pooh in my head right now. I don’t know why it popped in there, but I’ve got a really unique mind, that’s for sure! I’ve just used the phrase “super-dooper”. And only one person will know what I’m talking about. Yes, that’s right. That’s where I am at this particular moment in time. I hope you are reading this, and you remember.

 

I don’t mention particular names or anything when I write, but I was speaking to a friend earlier this week, and last week. I haven’t seen her for years. I used to baby-sit her, and she’s like my little sister. She had a really big scare, and came to me for advice. She’s only 17. we haven’t seen each other for 5 years, roughly. But she came to me for advice. She didn’t even want to speak to her parents. I was the one that needed to be big brother and give her advice. She’s ok, so nothing to worry about. Thank goodness! Anyway, I helped her with that one, because that’s what I do. I like to help people. A very special little boy once asked me, “Why are you always so kind to people?” – Honestly, I have no idea!! But I try! That’s what I do! I try! And sometimes I fail. Sometimes its my fault, and sometimes its someone else’s. But I’m human!

 

My train of thought was derailed so that last paragraph doesn’t do justice to itself. Chronologically, this is my longest entry to date. And you have no idea what that means, and I might have totally lost my point. That’s irrelevant. I’m not doing this for you. It’s for me. But I’m doing it in the hope that you will read it, and understand it. So I am doing it for you. But I’m doing it for you, for me. And now I’m just playing with words. I’m good at that. And sometimes I’m not. Another really beautiful song is playing now. I don’t know how it makes me feel. But it brings something to mind. But then again, quite literally everything brings you to mind. Hmm… Is that profound? Is it sweet? Who am I asking? I’m listening to someone else having a conversation now. But I’m totally lost in what I’m doing right now. I don’t think I have any idea what this incredible mind of mine is capable of. Nobody does. But I like it that way. Ooooh, creating a sense of mystery.. Actually, not quite. That’s just how I am.

 

Last night I listened to a lady, not much older than myself, who really hasn’t had an easy life. It was on TV. I don’t get out much. Some people think that’s a bad thing.. ok, now I’m really rambling, and I’m afraid that I’ll lose your interest. Now, for the real mind-bender…. When I keep saying “you”, who am I talking to? Because I’m writing for myself. But I’m writing for everyone, which is absolutely anyone. But I’m actually writing to one particular other person. But I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me. And the only reason I’m doing it for me, is because I’m doing it for you!

 

And I haven’t even spoken about my last post, which is the main point of this post.. Oops. It will stay there, because it’s real. I’ve been in that place, and I go back there often. It shows the importance of everything to me. It makes you see that this is for real. How much everything means to me. Literally. Figuratively. Metaphorically. Emotionally. Spiritually. For real. Forever.

 

Three days later. à I just find my mind in such a jumble. I strive, and put my heart and soul with everything I have in the hope of my dream. That’s all I’ve got. I don’t want anything else in the world. There is nothing I can do and I can’t believe or understand or accept anything. Dear God, please do something for me. Love, Byron.

I've got so much more that i want to write, and so many more picture to insert. But i will just use it for new posts. I hope it's clear that this blog isn't about me anymore. I'm writing to you. I'm still trying to reach out to you. Because I have done everything, and brought this all to God. Now i don't feel anything for myself anymore, and the way things are is only bringing me pain. I only want to be happy, and that can only happen one way. My entire life and my happiness is up to you, and you have got total control over my life. Maybe you can feel privileged about that? I hope so. What is happening to me now, and that I gave up everything, and I'm absolutely terrified with the things that could happen, and it's all because I'm just trying to do the only one thing that makes me want to live, and be happy. Nobody can blame me for feeling like I'm totally rejected, because I've helped so many people, and given absolutely everything of myself, and brought it to God because that is my dream, and now I'm completely rejected and I have no help. I'm talking in circles, but I have got absolutely no hope, and I feel like the water is rising and I'm going to drown, and nobody cares enough to save me. And I'm sad because only one thing can make me happy.

 

Be careful what you wish for..

I always wondered what people would read about me after I'm gone.. Here's my last story, I hope it does not disappoint..

This is the cry for help that will never be heard. Not certain whether it came too late, or if it was simply overlooked.. Until now, all the entries of this blog have been inspirational. And I hope that this entry can inspire something too, despite my sombre tone.

In the life I lived, I learnt many lessons. Always eager to know more, and always willing to learn. In so doing, my ambition was also perhaps to teach, and to share. By my words, my actions, my thoughts and feelings, I desired nothing more than to make a difference, for good. Nobody understood me, but that's ok. Few people ever believed me, and even less ever believed IN me, again, that's ok. I never wished to be understood, or believed in.. I did, however, once upon a time, dream of being accepted.. That I would be "worth it". For at some moment in my life, for any person to give me the greatest gift that is to say, "you are worth it". I realise that it was a selfish dream.. But that is all it was. A dream. I never expected anything. That would have made my life conditional. Indeed I can say that my actions, my love, and my life were all unconditional, and true. It's easy to make promises. That's how people get what they want, by making promises, regardless of whether or not they care about keeping them. I was different.. I'm sure that anyone reading this will be rolling their eyes, as that is a real understatement. I really was different. Anyone taking the time to read this, I hope, will remember me for my unconditional life. For giving, and never expecting to receive. Both in my thoughts, words, and actions.

What proof is there in this life, of Heaven and hell? Perhaps I can share my insight. There is, most certainly a Heaven. I came across people in my life that can surely have only come from such a place as Heaven. So special, that they can only be destined to return to Heaven. And then, of course, for hell. I can tell you that such a place exists. I have been there. I am there. Not a place that one can voluntarily chose, but a place to which one must be sent. Indeed I can say now that I was sent there. And for this, all I can do is say thank you. That is my nature. That is what I do.

It hurts that I had so many aspirations, hopes, and dreams, that I prayed I would live to. I was naïve to ever think it was possible. I am grateful that I was able to share some of them, and perhaps paint a picture of the dreams I once had. Still not sure why I have left these words, perhaps to be the only reminder of the life I wish I had. A reminder for anyone who cares enough to continue reading.

You are forgiven for reading this and drawing the conclusion that I have given up on life, and given up on my dreams. On the contrary, my life and dreams gave up on me. In my life I gave up many things, but that was only for the benefit of others, and I am happy for that. Sacrifices that were all worth it, and a small price to pay to make other people happy. So much was taken away from me, and I will make a bold and confident statement, knowing I am correct in saying that NOBODY CARED. I should have realised that a long time ago. My whole life I have known nothing but rejection. The greatest desire to be accepted, and to feel like I belong. I was such an idiot. So much was taken away from me, and still, I was always willing to give.

I'm glad that nobody ever thought I was capable, and that I was underestimated. I never got my chance, and that's ok, because nobody cares. The second time I've used those two words, as I now see how true they are. It's too late for me to wish I had lived differently. It's too late for me to wish that anyone would have just given me a chance. It's too late for me to think that I ever had a chance. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I was such a disappointment. I'm sorry that I was rejected again and again.

I once said that it was my destiny, "To give everything I could, to help, and then to fall by the wayside." And yet I was told that was not the case, and that I must stop letting it happen to myself. Please don't think that I let it happen. I tried. But it wasn't good enough. I'm sorry. I hope that anyone still reading does not assume that there is any anger in this. There isn't. Only pain. Just a lot of hurting, which I have come to know was all I had in my life.

It's only in the fairytale stories that good beats evil, and the underdog gets a chance. In this world it is not the case. The good guy gets used and abandoned. Satisfaction is reserved for those who know how to take. It's not about giving, it's about taking, and telling the best lies to make it look good. It's too late for frustration or despair. That time has passed. And now there is nothing more for me to do, but slip through the cracks. Never allowed to have a chance. Never allowed to have my say. Right down to the simplest little things, nobody ever listened. A broken bone that was not healed properly. A hole that was not repaired properly. And nobody listened. I've carried scars for most of my life. Sores that would never heal. I was told so many things, but still, nobody thought to listen to the one behind the scars. The one underneath the sores. The one on the outside of rejection. And why was that? Simple. Because, NOBODY CARED. I hope that by now it is starting to sink in.

I'm sorry for wasting the time of anyone that is still reading this. The conclusion is that these words are as pointless as my life was. To the few that called me friend, and actually meant it, thank you. I'm sorry I didn't do more for you. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. Human life is so fragile, no matter how strong it may appear on the outside. I know now that it is impossible to fulfil life alone. There is a lot that can be done alone, but there comes a time when you have to reach out your hand, and have hope and faith that someone will take your hand. I'm sorry that nobody took my hand. At least I know that I was humble enough to reach out.. Finally, as the title suggests, for those who wished I was better off dead and gone. For those who exiled me, and shut me out. I hope you are happy now. And if not, well, "Be careful what you wish for".

I've always had a hard time saying goodbye, and that is why didn't. Instead, now that the time for goodbye has passed, all can say is Thank you, for listening, for reading, for loving me or hating me..