Wow.

 

I don’t even know what to write.. That’s funny because I’ve had so many thoughts and ideas over the past few hours/days/weeks. I suppose I ought to start with my last post.. the nice thing with something like Blogger is that I could go back and delete all that, and make this a totally happy blog. I could, but I won’t. (Before I continue, let me just add that I’ve got a thought in my mind, and a feeling in my heart. Now I have to be completely honest. The feeling in my heart is not, does not, and will not stop. And I think about this person a “gazillion” times a day). This is my blog, with my thoughts, and my feelings, and that is what I’m doing.

 

I don’t know if I want this blog to evoke a reaction or a response. I’m doing it for me. But I do want it to inspire something or someone to do something, or ANYTHING.. Like those bracelets that people used to wear when I was in school, that said “W.W.J.D” – which stands for “What Would Jesus Do?” I’ve had a picture in my mind for a long time, as a personal trainer, of someone standing in Woolworths, in front of a fridge. For some reason, it’s a boy, about 12 or 13 years old I suppose. He’s got a few freckles on his face, but not too many. He’s wearing a yellow Tee-Shirt with thin, red, horizontal stripes. It looks like he’s got blond-ish, slightly ginger-ish hair, cut quite short. I don’t have a name for this boy, I’ve probably conjured up this image from a movie or random scene that I’ve seen somewhere before. There’s a little bit of frost in the air around the fridge, like when you open a really cold freezer. It’s not pouring out, like a dramatic scene from a TV advert or really bad soap-opera. It’s just a thought in my head. Anyway, I’m rambling, but that’s what I do. He’s trying to chose between an apple and a chocolate. And he’s got that thought in his mind, “what would Byron want me to do”?

 

Now I’ve typed that and I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot. But that is irrelevant. I haven’t. I’ve still got that same overwhelming feeling in my heart. You on my mind. I don’t know if I’m writing to you, or if I’m writing for myself. But then I don’t know if I’m writing this whole blog for my own benefit, or if I’m trying to inspire. I made my dad a packed lunch today. He was probably really surprised. I don’t know if I did it for him, or if I did it for myself. I only did it because I'm trying to be positive, because that positivity will lead to the happiness that I'm looking for. How desperate is that? That i can do something like that because i want it to bring the only one thing that will make me happy. But I hope it helps him to be healthy, and it made me feel good. That’s what I do. I try to encourage people with their diets and exercise, to be healthy. That makes me feel good. (A really cool song has just come on the radio. I like this type of music). I’ve got a random thought about Whinnie the Pooh in my head right now. I don’t know why it popped in there, but I’ve got a really unique mind, that’s for sure! I’ve just used the phrase “super-dooper”. And only one person will know what I’m talking about. Yes, that’s right. That’s where I am at this particular moment in time. I hope you are reading this, and you remember.

 

I don’t mention particular names or anything when I write, but I was speaking to a friend earlier this week, and last week. I haven’t seen her for years. I used to baby-sit her, and she’s like my little sister. She had a really big scare, and came to me for advice. She’s only 17. we haven’t seen each other for 5 years, roughly. But she came to me for advice. She didn’t even want to speak to her parents. I was the one that needed to be big brother and give her advice. She’s ok, so nothing to worry about. Thank goodness! Anyway, I helped her with that one, because that’s what I do. I like to help people. A very special little boy once asked me, “Why are you always so kind to people?” – Honestly, I have no idea!! But I try! That’s what I do! I try! And sometimes I fail. Sometimes its my fault, and sometimes its someone else’s. But I’m human!

 

My train of thought was derailed so that last paragraph doesn’t do justice to itself. Chronologically, this is my longest entry to date. And you have no idea what that means, and I might have totally lost my point. That’s irrelevant. I’m not doing this for you. It’s for me. But I’m doing it in the hope that you will read it, and understand it. So I am doing it for you. But I’m doing it for you, for me. And now I’m just playing with words. I’m good at that. And sometimes I’m not. Another really beautiful song is playing now. I don’t know how it makes me feel. But it brings something to mind. But then again, quite literally everything brings you to mind. Hmm… Is that profound? Is it sweet? Who am I asking? I’m listening to someone else having a conversation now. But I’m totally lost in what I’m doing right now. I don’t think I have any idea what this incredible mind of mine is capable of. Nobody does. But I like it that way. Ooooh, creating a sense of mystery.. Actually, not quite. That’s just how I am.

 

Last night I listened to a lady, not much older than myself, who really hasn’t had an easy life. It was on TV. I don’t get out much. Some people think that’s a bad thing.. ok, now I’m really rambling, and I’m afraid that I’ll lose your interest. Now, for the real mind-bender…. When I keep saying “you”, who am I talking to? Because I’m writing for myself. But I’m writing for everyone, which is absolutely anyone. But I’m actually writing to one particular other person. But I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me. And the only reason I’m doing it for me, is because I’m doing it for you!

 

And I haven’t even spoken about my last post, which is the main point of this post.. Oops. It will stay there, because it’s real. I’ve been in that place, and I go back there often. It shows the importance of everything to me. It makes you see that this is for real. How much everything means to me. Literally. Figuratively. Metaphorically. Emotionally. Spiritually. For real. Forever.

 

Three days later. à I just find my mind in such a jumble. I strive, and put my heart and soul with everything I have in the hope of my dream. That’s all I’ve got. I don’t want anything else in the world. There is nothing I can do and I can’t believe or understand or accept anything. Dear God, please do something for me. Love, Byron.

I've got so much more that i want to write, and so many more picture to insert. But i will just use it for new posts. I hope it's clear that this blog isn't about me anymore. I'm writing to you. I'm still trying to reach out to you. Because I have done everything, and brought this all to God. Now i don't feel anything for myself anymore, and the way things are is only bringing me pain. I only want to be happy, and that can only happen one way. My entire life and my happiness is up to you, and you have got total control over my life. Maybe you can feel privileged about that? I hope so. What is happening to me now, and that I gave up everything, and I'm absolutely terrified with the things that could happen, and it's all because I'm just trying to do the only one thing that makes me want to live, and be happy. Nobody can blame me for feeling like I'm totally rejected, because I've helped so many people, and given absolutely everything of myself, and brought it to God because that is my dream, and now I'm completely rejected and I have no help. I'm talking in circles, but I have got absolutely no hope, and I feel like the water is rising and I'm going to drown, and nobody cares enough to save me. And I'm sad because only one thing can make me happy.

 

Be careful what you wish for..

I always wondered what people would read about me after I'm gone.. Here's my last story, I hope it does not disappoint..

This is the cry for help that will never be heard. Not certain whether it came too late, or if it was simply overlooked.. Until now, all the entries of this blog have been inspirational. And I hope that this entry can inspire something too, despite my sombre tone.

In the life I lived, I learnt many lessons. Always eager to know more, and always willing to learn. In so doing, my ambition was also perhaps to teach, and to share. By my words, my actions, my thoughts and feelings, I desired nothing more than to make a difference, for good. Nobody understood me, but that's ok. Few people ever believed me, and even less ever believed IN me, again, that's ok. I never wished to be understood, or believed in.. I did, however, once upon a time, dream of being accepted.. That I would be "worth it". For at some moment in my life, for any person to give me the greatest gift that is to say, "you are worth it". I realise that it was a selfish dream.. But that is all it was. A dream. I never expected anything. That would have made my life conditional. Indeed I can say that my actions, my love, and my life were all unconditional, and true. It's easy to make promises. That's how people get what they want, by making promises, regardless of whether or not they care about keeping them. I was different.. I'm sure that anyone reading this will be rolling their eyes, as that is a real understatement. I really was different. Anyone taking the time to read this, I hope, will remember me for my unconditional life. For giving, and never expecting to receive. Both in my thoughts, words, and actions.

What proof is there in this life, of Heaven and hell? Perhaps I can share my insight. There is, most certainly a Heaven. I came across people in my life that can surely have only come from such a place as Heaven. So special, that they can only be destined to return to Heaven. And then, of course, for hell. I can tell you that such a place exists. I have been there. I am there. Not a place that one can voluntarily chose, but a place to which one must be sent. Indeed I can say now that I was sent there. And for this, all I can do is say thank you. That is my nature. That is what I do.

It hurts that I had so many aspirations, hopes, and dreams, that I prayed I would live to. I was naïve to ever think it was possible. I am grateful that I was able to share some of them, and perhaps paint a picture of the dreams I once had. Still not sure why I have left these words, perhaps to be the only reminder of the life I wish I had. A reminder for anyone who cares enough to continue reading.

You are forgiven for reading this and drawing the conclusion that I have given up on life, and given up on my dreams. On the contrary, my life and dreams gave up on me. In my life I gave up many things, but that was only for the benefit of others, and I am happy for that. Sacrifices that were all worth it, and a small price to pay to make other people happy. So much was taken away from me, and I will make a bold and confident statement, knowing I am correct in saying that NOBODY CARED. I should have realised that a long time ago. My whole life I have known nothing but rejection. The greatest desire to be accepted, and to feel like I belong. I was such an idiot. So much was taken away from me, and still, I was always willing to give.

I'm glad that nobody ever thought I was capable, and that I was underestimated. I never got my chance, and that's ok, because nobody cares. The second time I've used those two words, as I now see how true they are. It's too late for me to wish I had lived differently. It's too late for me to wish that anyone would have just given me a chance. It's too late for me to think that I ever had a chance. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I was such a disappointment. I'm sorry that I was rejected again and again.

I once said that it was my destiny, "To give everything I could, to help, and then to fall by the wayside." And yet I was told that was not the case, and that I must stop letting it happen to myself. Please don't think that I let it happen. I tried. But it wasn't good enough. I'm sorry. I hope that anyone still reading does not assume that there is any anger in this. There isn't. Only pain. Just a lot of hurting, which I have come to know was all I had in my life.

It's only in the fairytale stories that good beats evil, and the underdog gets a chance. In this world it is not the case. The good guy gets used and abandoned. Satisfaction is reserved for those who know how to take. It's not about giving, it's about taking, and telling the best lies to make it look good. It's too late for frustration or despair. That time has passed. And now there is nothing more for me to do, but slip through the cracks. Never allowed to have a chance. Never allowed to have my say. Right down to the simplest little things, nobody ever listened. A broken bone that was not healed properly. A hole that was not repaired properly. And nobody listened. I've carried scars for most of my life. Sores that would never heal. I was told so many things, but still, nobody thought to listen to the one behind the scars. The one underneath the sores. The one on the outside of rejection. And why was that? Simple. Because, NOBODY CARED. I hope that by now it is starting to sink in.

I'm sorry for wasting the time of anyone that is still reading this. The conclusion is that these words are as pointless as my life was. To the few that called me friend, and actually meant it, thank you. I'm sorry I didn't do more for you. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. Human life is so fragile, no matter how strong it may appear on the outside. I know now that it is impossible to fulfil life alone. There is a lot that can be done alone, but there comes a time when you have to reach out your hand, and have hope and faith that someone will take your hand. I'm sorry that nobody took my hand. At least I know that I was humble enough to reach out.. Finally, as the title suggests, for those who wished I was better off dead and gone. For those who exiled me, and shut me out. I hope you are happy now. And if not, well, "Be careful what you wish for".

I've always had a hard time saying goodbye, and that is why didn't. Instead, now that the time for goodbye has passed, all can say is Thank you, for listening, for reading, for loving me or hating me..

Sure as hell?

“Sure as hell..”

I am sure that at some point in your life, you, or someone around you has used that phrase.

“That sure as hell will never happen” or,

“I sure as hell didn’t expect that.”

Like so many other little phrases and statements, it has found it’s place in everyday conversation, used by so many people, without even thinking..

Have you ever heard anyone say “... Sure as Heaven...”? I know I haven’t.. Why is that? Are we so certain that hell exists, and forget about Heaven? Or are we all so bogged down with all the negativity in life, that it becomes easier to associate with the negative, rather than hold on to the positive? The truth is, so many people enjoy being miserable. People c rave attention, which is acceptable, we are human, but it seems that the only way to gain attention is to seek sympathy. And the best way to gain sympathy is to emphasise all the hardships and suffering that you are going through.. I will be the first person to admit that I am guilty on all counts! The other day a very good friend of mine helped me to realise that. He has just returned from a business trip on the other side of the world. When I look at his accomplishments, I feel like a failure.. But when he laid everything out, it got me thinking..

How great would it be if we could “Accentuate the positive, and eliminate the negative”? If we could be more grateful for what we do have, and not so obsessed with what we don’t, I bet you’d be pleasantly surprised at all the blessings that you overlook!

Over the past two weeks I have achieved some of the greatest accomplishments in my life, both personally, professionally, in my relationships with people, and in my relationship with Christ. I have had so many major victories! Here is the problem.. I have created this paradox within my perspective. That is, I am so desperate to succeed in certain things, that when I achieve something else, I overlook it, then I lose focus, and feel like I haven’t succeeded, even though I just have! Then when I go back, it’s not good enough, so my success is a failure. Confused? Me too.. I like to call this “cognitive distortion”. So we take something that we know is real, and, for no good reason, we doubt it or question it, and somehow prove to ourselves that it is wrong..

Back to my point.. You see how easy it is to forget about the positive, and surround yourself with negativity or loneliness. So we bring ourselves down, and take everybody else with us. Then we ask ourselves, “Where is all the good in the world?” When all along, it’s right in front of us! Just take hold of it and embrace it! It was Mahatma Ghandi who said, “Be the change you want to see in the world..” I like that. Lets stop looking at the bad things in life, and lets focus on the good, and grow it! If you want to get the attention of someone, do it with a smile, or a hug..

If we could all just be a little bit more cheerful, I bet we could start a chain reaction. Imagine a world full of people who are happy? A world full of people who are filled with Christ? We were given the gift of life, so how about we appreciate it? I SURE AS HEAVEN WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT!!

Special People

With the way the world is going; everybody busy, work, school, commitments, obligations, it all gets a bit hectic, and sometimes we forget about the important things. I hope this helps you to stop and take stock of the things that matter most to you..
One day, a young boy approaches his mother, who is busy working on her laptop. A single mom, she puts all her time into making sure that she can provide for her two children, taking care of school fees, bill payments, and everything in between..

"Mommy...", The little boy says, in a hushed voice, afraid to disturb his mom. "How much do you get paid per hour?"
"That's none of you business." She replies abruptly, still focusing on the work she is doing.
"Please Mommy, I would really like to know how much you get paid per hour."
Seeing that her son is going to persist, she doesn't need the distraction, so she decides to just answer him, "Fifty dollars."
The little boy looks at his hands, counting on his fingers, he pauses, then replies, "Mommy... Could I please borrow Twenty dollars?"
The mother takes her glasses off, slowly turns to look at her son, her eyes still adjusting from the light of her computer screen, with an annoyed expression on her face, quickly growing impatient, "Twenty dollars? Is that the only reason you asked me how much I get paid? Just so that I could give you Twenty dollars?"
The little boy's bottom lip starts to quiver. "Please Mommy, could I borrow Twenty dollars, it's for something important, I promise."
Eventually the mother decides to do whatever she needs to, in order to eliminate this distraction. She leans across and pulls her black leather purse out of her hand-bag. Unclasping the small silver buckle, she opens her purse and retrieves a folded Twenty dollar note, and stretches across to her son, who slowly pulls it from her fingers. "Thank you." The little boy says excitedly, before turning and dashing out the door and into his bedroom.
The mother, having lost her train of thought, and curious about what her son is up to, closes her laptop, lifts herself to her feet, and quietly follows, into her son's bedroom, where she sees him sitting on his bed, pulling a handful of notes from under his pillow, counting them out onto his lap.
"Why did you ask me for money if you already have all that? What are you up to?"
The little boy, stunned by his mother's harsh tone, but determined to finish his task, folds all the notes neatly together, slides off his bed, his little feet silently landing on the carpet beneath him, shuffles timidly towards his mother, his short arm out-stretched towards her, handing over the money. He says, "Mommy, here is Fifty dollars. Please could I buy one hour of your time so that you can come downstairs and have supper with us before bedtime?"
The mother, finally realising what her son was trying to accomplish, with tears beginning to well up in her eyes, falls to her knees, and embraces her son in her arms. "Come, lets go have supper."

When life gets a bit too frantic, some times we forget what is really important to us. It is easy to overlook the amazing things that are right in front of us. God doesn't charge you a single cent for His time, yet Jesus paid the ultimate price so that we could spend time with the ones we love. Don't you think we ought to find a bit of time in our busy lives to share with Him in return?

Appreciating God

Appreciation. What does this word mean to you? Recently a friend of mine felt guilty about not appreciating all of God's blessings in her life, a beautiful family, a great husband, and two healthy sons, all she'd ever wanted; because she way having "one of those days", for no apparent reason. This got me thinking, (as most things do).. How much do we REALLY appreciate the people in our lives, and all of God's blessings? And how often do you show your appreciation?

I came to realise, after a few perplexing, and somewhat inconclusive conversations with others, as well as within myself; that sometimes it is important to go without something, or to sacrifice something of significance, tangible or other. In this way, the acknowledgement of it's absence brings about an appreciation, without which we often take things for granted.

As I delved deeper within my own experiences, as well as those of friends and family, I derived a few examples of what I'm getting at. For any working individual, who is required to go away on business for any period of time, be it a brief stop-over in a neighbouring town, or an extended stay in China, whatever the case may be, the absence is felt, and often dreaded. I personally think it should be embraced; because I'm sure that there are people that you see, and things yo walk past everyday, all of which mean the world to you, but you forget to appreciate, and sometimes take for granted. Remember the last sunrise you saw, or a flower you found in a field; remember how it made you feel whilst you could see it, and appreciate it? Why can't it be like that with everything else? Especially with God, Who created all these things?

I pray for a day when appreciation finally finds it's way back into our minds, and our hearts.A day when a husband will bring his wife flowers, not for any occasion, but just to let her know that she is appreciated? I long for a day when every person can spend some time in the presence of Christ. Not only at the times when we pray for a blessing or forgiveness, but just because we appreciate the sacrifice that was made on the cross; because that was more blessing and forgiveness than you could ever pray for, and it was all done unconditionally, long before you were even born! So why can't we always appreciate the gift of life? I'm afraid that after a while it gets taken for granted, and is only appreciated when it is too late. Don't be afraid to show someone or something, or God, your appreciation. And don't get all forlorn and distraught when you have to go without someone or something, it will only be gone for a while, but God will never leave your side. -One moment of sacrifice brings about a greater appreciation than a lifetime of  longing-. Hey, that's deep, and it is my own quote, I hope that it is remembered one day, when I'm gone..

So why not stop for a few minutes to take in that sunrise, or to smell that flower? Why not tell someone that they mean the world to you, just because they do. And why not take a moment to praise God, for all the little things He has created that make up your beautiful life? I believe that if you stop and notice something or someone, and the memory of it stays with you, it was put right there, at that moment, not by coincidence, but by God,  for you to notice, as a gift. Why not take the time to appreciate it?

"I would rather be able to appreciate the things I can not have, that to have things I am not able to appreciate." - Elbert Hubbard.

Making the difference..

What a hectic week it's been so far!!

It seems like everything is happening all at once! Have you ever felt like that?

I've been working for a new company for almost a month now. As is usually the case, things were slow to start, and I spent a lot of time messing around, goofing off, and just waiting for stuff to happen! After a while I realized that I needed to be more pro-active. I wanted to make the best of each day and try and find meaning in what I was doing. So, I did something that I haven't really done for a while.. I prayed.. Now, nobody ever showed me how, of told me why, I'm just fumbling along I guess.. And then - and please don't think I'm getting all preachy - things started to happen! Work literally poured in, and now I'm totally over-whelmed with work, but I LOVE IT!! Impossible deadlines, ridiculous workloads, and difficult customers, finally, I know I am where I belong!

Work aside, my personal life is a joke.. I think that is why I get lost in my work, so I don't have to face myself.. But anyway.. I'm also fumbling down that path gradually. But today, as I was leaving the gym this morning, on my way to work, I saw a friend from my church, whom I haven't seen for a while, so I went to give her a hug, as I usually do.. I didn't say anything, and neither did she, but something wasn't right.. She was upset.. At this point I still don't know what it is that is upsetting her.. But we cried together.. I don't know why, but we did.. Then I did something pretty weird, which surprised her just as much as myself.. I prayed for her, in the gym, with a bunch of sweaty knuckle-heads "pumping iron" around us.. But it didn't matter. I knew she needed it, but what I didn't know was that I did too..

That's the second time this week that I have just prayed. Not thought things through, not said something encouraging, not made a plan like I usually do. I just prayed.. And you know what, I hope it happens again, because it feels like I've made a new friend! I finally feel like there is someone I can confide in no matter what! All my silly little problems, all the things I don't want to discuss with anyone else right now.

What's my point? Don't be afraid to pray. Even if it's just a casual chat with God, or some quiet time, or just in your head.. Just spell out whats on your mind, and on your heart. Someone is listening.. And do me a favour, hug someone. I don't mean a random stranger, (that might not go down too well,) but if you see someone who looks like they need it, just give them a hug! I promise it will make a difference, to them, and to you.. It's the best way of showing a bit of love. Ooooh, that's a strong word.. Yeah it is, but it's a gift, given to us by God for one purpose, to share! Because his love for us is unconditional, and infinite, so you can afford to give a bit away every now and then!

Part of the puzzle..

Why is it so hard to fit in? As human beings we often find ourselves longing to be a part of something.. Something bigger, something better... For a fortunate few, it is easy.. It's easy to fit in. For others, it is a constant struggle to be accepted. Or is it a constant struggle to accept ourselves?

I'm back in that familiar territory again.. Back to feeling like I don't fit in.. On the surface it seems like every time I involve myself in anything, I bring my own special qualities, as is the case with any person. You have a talent or trait, for which you are accepted and appreciated.. But after a while the novelty wares off, and your "special something" just becomes something that you do, or something you are. All of a sudden it goes from being appreciated, to expected, and then taken for granted. By the end, it (you) are completely overlooked. So now I've got that feeling again... Just like back in school, at home, or where I used to work.. Trying so hard to fit in, by just being me.. Not pretending, just being the "odd-ball".

Some people accept you for who you are, whilst others expect you to conform to their standards and way of life before you can fit in. It is only then that we are really tested.. God made us in His image.. So... in order to fit in, are we willing to change who we are, how we were created, just to be accepted? From someone who has always had a hard time fitting in, sometimes that doesn't sound like a bad idea... Change your style or your sense of humour to be noticed and accepted? No big deal...

But it is a big deal.. God made me the way I am. I was raised a certain way, and I believe in what I believe, because I know it is right. Deep down, something inside of me will not change.. This is who I am.. One thing I know is that it is impossible to be accepted, or to be loved, or even to be able to love.. if you are unable to accept and love yourself. I guess that's where I fall short.. You cannot be accepted, by your friends, your family, or anyone else, if you cannot accept yourself, and accept that you were made the way you are, and that you don't fit in perfectly, because if you did, you wouldn't stick out.. And if you do not stick out, you will never be noticed.. How tragic would it be if an amazing, unique piece of God's work went un-noticed by the world?? If anyone can ever derive anything from this, just be yourself.

Don't try and be special, you are special, so just be exactly that! Now to try and practise what I preach..